The Adventures of Mary-Sue
by Stankannica
Summary: Writing Mary-Sues are fun! Joint fanfic with Kristen (Stensen). Chapter 11 added!
1. Introduction of Mary-Sue

The Adventures of Mary-Sue in the Land of Stories she Should NEVER be in  
by Cassandra and Kristen (she's my story monkey! XD)  
  
Her name was Mary-Sue. She had long flowing brown hair that sometime changed to a golden yellow, or whatever color she felt like having that day. Her eyes were the same. Everyone loved her, she was beautiful, sexy, and all the main characters of different stories somehow fell in love with her. She could also kill a moose with a walnut from 1,000 miles away.   
  
But Mary-Sue had a problem. Somehow, she was always sucked into different worlds. This time was no different. She was about to go where no Mary-Sue had gone before. LEGOLAS GREENLEAF'S BATHROOM.           
  
  
------------------CUE LINE ACTION!------------------  
  
  
Legolas hopped out of his very modern looking elf shower (... give me a break, I don't know what a damn elf's bathroom would look like. x_x), and quickly put on a towel. He admired himself in the bathroom, saying to his reflection what everyone knew: he was the prettiest.   
  
"Who's pretty?" he asked himself. "I'm pretty!" He then went to work on something that would take hours for any good-looking elf with an ass like granite, and that was lotioning! Aah yes, lotioning. This little blonde elf had so much of the stuff that he'd never have to go out and get replacements ever again. At least every shelf was packed with lotions and hair care products, and obviously these things have done their magic. Just look at him, isn't he one sexy elf? YES. HE IS.   
  
  
------------------burgers!------------------  
  
Kristen has to write the next chapter. Or something. Har.  
  



	2. Elfen Bathroom

The Adventures of Mary-Sue in Lands she Should NEVER be in  
by Cassandra and Kristen  
  
XD KRISTEN'S CHAPTER!! CHAPTER 2!!! ISN'T IT GREAT?!?!?!?!?!  
  
  
and so i come to write the next chapter! wee!!  
  
---------  
  
while legolas was primping in front of his mirror for what seemed   
like.. oh hours! he suddendly remembered that darn! he had some   
boring old council to go at elrond's house!  
  
'elrond is definatly not prettier then me' thought legolas  
  
"oh well i guess i better get ready for that really important   
council that is about some really important stuff... i mean really   
importannt.. and dangerous.. AND SECRET! DID I FORGET TO MENTION   
SECRET?"  
  
suddenly mary-sue decided to make her self know.  
  
"hello fair elf! please do not be startled i was just on my way to   
the childrens hospital to donate blood and give them these home   
made cookies i baked when suddenly i was transported here! you say   
you are going on a very dangerous journy, might i come? i am   
trained in 67 different forms of hand to hand combat." she said   
and flipped her absolutly perfect hair that shimmered gold in the   
sun light.   
  
and with that legolas fell instantly in love.   
  
"marry me!" cried out legolas  
  
"ok!"   
  
mary sue thought to her self:  
  
'wow a really dangerous secret mission and a really hot elf guy   
who i'm going to marry! this day totally rocks!'  
  
  
---------  
  
hehe ok cassie your turn now! weee i am way to hyper! quick write   
some thing soon   



	3. The poem, Elrond, and his Frying Pan

The Adventures of Mary-Sue in Lands she Should NEVER be in  
by Cassandra and Kristen  
  
yeehaw. This is a weird chapter, because I didn't really want to right it. Mmmmyep.  
  
----------------------------------------  
  
As soon as Mary-Sue and Legolas were done doing whatever one does with a naked elf in a bathroom, they both set out for Elrond's. For that council thing. The trip was filled with singing (for Mary-Sue had the prettiest voice in all the universe), dancing (she also had the nicest legs), and staring (at Legolas' butt). But it was not all fun and games (and staring). Suddenly, out of seeming nowhere, a vicious band of orcs with horrible breath appeared and stabbed Mary-Sue twelve times. But that didn't stop her from killing them all and saving Legolas. Is there ANYTHING his future wife can't do? Well, actually, NO, there ISN'T anything she can't do. She's MARY-SUE! Then suddenly flashing lights and superhero music blazed on and on.   
"What was that?" asked Legolas.  
"Nothin' sugar," replied Mary-Sue.  
  
Mary-Sue, hiding her pain under a smile of perfectly aligned, blinding white teeth, finally arrived at the Council of Elrond with Legolas. But just as soon as Legolas got through the doorway, Elrond lunged at him with a frying pan.  
  
"I, NOT YOU, AM THE PRETTIEST, LEGOLAS, SON OF WEENUS!" screamed Elrond in an unpretty manner.  
"Gasp! I cannot let this elf tarnish my beautiful elf's features!" thought Mary-Sue, and she leaped in front of the frying pan. Someone, she survived this devasting cookware blow.  
  
"My future wife!" Legolas cried. To ease her pain, he recited the poem he dedicated to her just 3 minutes ago.  
  
"Roses are red,  
Violets are violent.  
You, dear wifey, are no harlot."  
  
And thus, Mary-Sue recovered!  
  
-----------------------------------  
Wasn't this one particularly painful? The "Legolas, son of Weenus" thing is from the Very Secret Diaries. I doubt the entire world hasn't read these, but if someone hasn't, HERE IS THE URL!!!!! - http://www.livejournal.com/users/cassieclaire/  
  
Amazing, isn't it? 


	4. Mary-Sue Glomps Hobbits; Much Cooing Ens...

The Adventures of Mary-Sue in Lands she Should NEVER be in  
by Cassandra and Kristen. Har.  
  
KRISTEN'S CHAPTER!! WOW!!!!!  
  
---  
  
  
"aww leggy that was the greatest poem ever!!! hehe" cooed mary sue  
  
elrond stood there about to vomit "um yeah whatever, legolas come   
with me so i can tell you about all that really important secret   
dangerous mission stuff"  
  
"if only my most beutiful herioc perfect wife can come   
along!" ::legolas making puppy eyes at mary sue::  
  
"ummm ok..."   
  
so off they went to the really important dangerous secret council   
thiny.   
  
'wow elves are totally cool' thought mary sue 'there houses are   
all like white and big...'   
  
  
at the council there was a small man with really really hairy   
feet. mary sue ran over to him.   
  
"awww your so cute oh my god your adorable look at you your just   
so cute yes you are! yes you are!"   
  
"can't breath!" mumbled frodo gasping for air threw mary sue's   
vice like hug  
  
"umm wife... can you let the hobbit go?"  
  
"but leggggyyyyyy he's so cute!!!"  
  
"don't make me pry you off with my big stick!" came the booming   
voice of ... GANDALF!  
  
"sorry mister wizard guy!" mary sue pouted.  
  
"umm can we start the council?" elrond was getting pissy again  
  
"right anyway, your all here cuse theres a really evil ring that   
frodo has and one of you has to destroy itl... Who wants to die??"  
  
"I'LL DO IT!!!!!!" cried out mary sue  
  
"but umm i'm supposed to take the ring" frodo said on the verge of   
tears   
  
"quiet you!" and with that mary sue ran up and grabbed the ring   
all for her self"  
  
------  
  
my chapter sucks. cassies better at this then me! 


	5. The One Engagement Ring

The Adventures of Mary-Sue in Lands she Should NEVER be in  
by Cassandra and Kristen  
  
Chapter 5. This is really going to suck. Because it just is. And that "doing whatever girls do with naked elves in the bathroom line" wasn't ment to be an innuendo, but now it looks like it. XD XD Argh. ::has to change the rating:: Poo!  
  
This story is rittled (is that even a word?) with bad grammar, typos, and the like. I'm too lazy to check for them. thhp.  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
Mary-Sue fell in love with the ring, her eyes glazing over whenever she looked at it.   
"Leggy-pooooo! I want THIS as my engagement ring!" she exclaimed.  
  
"There's just one problem, Oh Light of my Life.." Legolas whispered.  
"And what is that, Schnoopsie Bottoms?" she replied.  
"It's kind of evil..."  
"Who cares, it's GORGEOUS!"  
  
Mary-Sue then proceeded to bounce around like a monkey, and then a thought popped into her head. I can't take this ring, she thought, I must remain pure and good! For I am MARY-SUE! Superhero music started to play in her thoughts.   
  
Everyone stared at Mary-Sue as she started to pose to the music inside her head, and then at Legolas. The look they gave him REEKED of "THIS is your fiance? She doesn't have enough brains to power an ant's motorcycle around a grain of rice!". And then they remembered that this was Legolas, and they were perfect for each other.  
  
----------------------------  
  
This chapter sucks a lot. KRISTEN! WRITE STUFF! Or it's a smiting for you! XD 


	6. It's a Tomb!

The Adventures of Mary Sue in Lands she Should NEVER be in  
  
Another Kristen chapter! SPEAK, KRISTEN! XD:  
  
this story is getting long  
  
--------  
  
  
and so they were off! the fellowship of the ring. there was frodo   
the ex ring bearer merry, pippin, and frodos stalker sam   
representing the hobbits. and for the humans aragorn and boromir.   
gimli for the dwarfs and of course legolas for the elves. and then   
there was mary sue...  
  
"umm legolas... do you even know this 'persons' name who you   
intend to marry?" asked aragorn who at the moment was hidding from   
mary sue after being grabbed by her in his "special" places  
  
  
legolas thought for a moment  
"umm sure its... ummm.... wifey???"  
  
"yes leggy poo??"  
  
"umm just wondering but, whats your name?"  
  
"my name? well my name is *cue the super hero music* MARY SUE!!!"  
  
merry leaned over to pippin "where does that music keep coming   
from? and why do i have the sudden urge to write love poems to   
mary sue all of a sudden.. and dramatically rescue her from some   
kind of impending danger?"  
  
pippin looked up "it comes in pints??"  
  
"never mind pip"  
  
meanwhile over by gandalf and boromir...  
  
"i don't know gandalf its just.. shes so perfect! and so beutiful   
i feel the need to protect her with my life!"  
  
"ha isn't that ironic" mutter gandalf oh so discreatly under his   
breath  
  
"what was that???"  
  
"oh umm nothing any way yes, i see what you mean."  
  
"its like *boromir starts to sing* THE HILLS ARE ALIVE!!! WITH THE   
SOUND OF MUSIC!!"  
  
::gandalf wacks boromir with his big stick::  
  
"hey! there will be no moulin rouge crossovers in this fic!"  
  
"sorry gandalf"  
  
meanwhile over by gimli...  
  
*gimli thinking alone*  
  
'why dosn't mary sue touch me in my special areas???'  
  
and so they walked on and on cuse this fic is going no where so   
the author magically transports them to THE MINES OF MORIA!  
  
  
FELLOWSHIP: that was fast  
  
yes yes it was. anyway  
  
as they reached the mines or moria gandalf tried to no avil, to   
open the doors.  
  
"its useless!" gandalf cried out  
  
"nothing is useless.. if you try!" and with that mary sue leaped   
up the doors!  
  
"hmm.. let me see 'speak friend and enter' (for some reason mary   
sue had become fluent in elvish) why its simple all you have to do   
is speak the elvish word for friend!"  
  
gandalf pouted as mary sue lead them into the mines of moria. when   
all of a sudden they all noticed that there were lots o dead   
people in the mines of moria.  
  
"its a tomb" said boromir  
  
"icky" said mary sue.   
  
----  
  
its getting lame now quick cassie write before it really starts to   
suck! 


	7. Super Frying Pan Fight! Wai!

The Adventures of Mary-Sue in Lands she Should NEVER be in  
  
It's a Cassie chapter this time. Wee!  
  
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Mary-Sue clung to Gimli, screaming, "CORPSES ARE ICKY!!! IIIICKY!!!! I don't like maggots!"  
Finally, Gimli thought to himself, the beautiful Mary-Sue is with me at last! And then he was smacked by Legolas.  
"Hey, Hairy! Hands off my future wife!" screamed the blonde and he smack Gimli over the head with his bow. Mary-Sue watched all this and said with a sign and a blush, "No need to fight over me, boys, there's enough Mary-Sue to go around!"  
  
Just as Legolas was going to sit in a corner and sulk, a giant octopus tentacle thing sloshed out of the water. It edged it's way towards Frodo, but Mary-Sue's keen eyesight spotted it. She didn't have much with her, but she made a weapon out of pocket lint, dental floss, and a tube of chapstick. Her simple, yet deadly weapon, defeated the evil thing in the water, and there was much rejoicing.  
  
"Mary-Sue, my hero!" sighed Frodo.  
"I'm so glad you're safe, you furry little man!" said Mary-Sue, scooping him into an embrace.  
"Back off, Ms. Perfect, Master Frodo is mine!" hissed Sam, brandishing his frying pan.  
"The heads are going to fly..." whispered Merry to Pippin.  
"I'm hungry." Pippin said in reply.  
And the furry little men, the dwarf, the wizard, the elf, and the two lumbering idiots -- er, humans watched on as the battle of the century raged on - Mary-Sue, the most perfect girl ever, and Samwise Gamgee, the creepy subserviant hobbit. 


	8. Fire Safety is no Laughing Matter

The Adventures of Mary-Sue in Lands she Should NEVER be in  
  
more sucky ness from me! stensen!  
------  
  
and so they went at it! sam failing his arms frantically at mary   
sue trying to hit her with those damned cooking pots he carried   
every where but never used. and mary sue with her extensive   
knowledge of karata. back and forth it went with no clear winner   
in sight when suddenly mary sue exclaimed "this is boring!" and   
with that body slammed sam.  
  
sam lay on the floor barly conscience "mr frodo.... mr frodo!"   
frodo went over and kicked sam "ah he'll be fine" and off they   
went to further explore the mines!  
  
they came to a room were pippin immediatly made a very loud noise   
attracting all the orcs to let them know that they were here.   
  
"Damn hobbits!" yelled gandalf about to smack pippin but he was   
interupted when an orc jumped at his throat. "looks like i'll have   
to abuse the hobbit later"  
  
so there it was nine, er ten people against hundreds or orcs. and   
then.. a cave troll came! "wee haw!" thought the fellowship.  
  
'that big troll thing is going to try to attack my leggy! im must   
stop his evil ways while managing to get hurt but still remain   
cute!" thought mary sue  
  
  
"DON'T WORRY LEGGY POO I'LL SAVE YOU!" with that mary sue ran at   
the cave troll with a pointed rock and some string and manged to   
kill the cave troll and save everyone!  
  
"um mary sue that was great and all but i think we should all get   
out of" argorn said looking nerously at all the thousands and   
tousands of orcs approaching.   
  
"RUN!" yelled gandalf.   
  
and so they ran and they ran some more and they manged to out run   
what seemed like every fricken orc in middle earth. but then they   
got surrounded   
  
"bummer" legolas pouted. mary sue hugged legolas "aww leggy its ok   
as long as we have each other!"   
  
at this time all the orcs ran away either out of disgust at mary   
sues blatent outburts of affection towards legolas or becuse there   
was a balrog appoarching.  
  
FELLOWSHIP: crap  
  
and so they continued to run and run again this time manging to   
out run a balrog, even the though the balrog had wings and could   
have easily caught up to them if only it had thought to fly.   
finally the balrog did catch up to them. gandalf saw this as his   
time to stand up and defend the fellowship.  
  
so he went up to the barlog stood firm and declared "YOU SHALL NOT"  
  
"Get away from him you big ol firey guy!" mary sue leaped out in   
front of gandalf  
  
"for the love of christ" muttered gandalf as he returned to the   
rest of the fellow ship now escaping out of the mines.   
  
"I'm not letting you hurt my leggy poo! take that!" mary sue   
produced a fire extingusher seemingly out of thin air and defeated   
the barlog. "fire safety is no laughing matter!" and she skipped   
off to rejoin the fellow ship who were surprising no where in   
sight.   
  
--------  
  
ack i have a head ache   



	9. Legolas is SO Whipped by Mary-Sue. *whip...

The Adventures of Mary-Sue in Lands she Should NEVER be in  
  
XD This stinks! A LOT! It's a CASSANDRA CHAPTER! OoooOOoOooOoo!  
------  
  
"Thank the Gods, we finally got away from her!" said Frodo, out of breath from running AND carrying Sam (poor Hobbit XD).  
"But.. but.." said Legolas in the middle of sniffling, "She's my wife!"  
"She's a FREAK!!" screamed Gimli.  
"You just say that because no girls want you, Gimli." hissed Legolas, who then proceeded to brush his hair.  
"... At least people don't write slash about me.." Gimli's retort stung Legolas in his buns of steel, causing him to get a split end.  
"NOW LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO, YOU HAIRY FEEB!!!!" he screamed, his eyes buldging. All of this caused Gimli to laugh like a freakish anime dominitrix.  
  
In the midst of Legolas' hair freak-out and Gimli's bout with the cackles, Mary-Sue popped up, much to everyone (except Legolas'!) dismay.   
"My wife! You're back! Now I'm not the only pretty one!" Legolas said excitedly, as he glomped him future bride.  
"Tee-hee, you silly elf! I'd never leave you!" she replied, poking his nose as if he was a baby. Her face suddenly turned grave. "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME IN THAT SMOKEY DIRTY CORPSE-RIDDEN CAVE, SWEETIE-PUMPKIN?!?!?!" she hissed, grabbing a fist full of his perfect blonde hair.  
"IT WASN'T MY IDEA I SWEAR!!!" he shrieked, flailing his arms until she let go of his hair. "Argh! I'm getting another split end!"  
  
Aragorn made a whip noise, and the Fellowship was once again off, off to Mordor, to do stuff! And what FUN stuff it is!  
  
--------  
  
I'm not wearing underwear. ^_^  
  



	10. Lothlorien, and I just bit my tongue. OW...

cassie your chapters do not suck! there better then mine!  
---------  
  
after the whole balrog ordeal the fellowship decided to continue   
on with the quest only no one knew exactly what to do.   
  
"umm aragorn where are you going?" asked frodo  
  
"well were suposed to go to loth lorien, after gandalf defeted the   
balrog and 'fell into shadow' only he didn't" aragorn looked back   
at gandalf "EH??? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ABOUT ME??" yelled gandalf.  
  
"nothing gandalf!" aragorn let out a sigh of frustration. this   
whole mission quest thing really sucked and he had a migrane and   
when it looked like things couldn't get any worse...  
  
"HIYA! CAN WE GO SEE THE ELVES? LETS GO SEE THE ELVES!!!!" mary   
sue jumped right in front of aragorn in a way to peppy and   
enthoused manner.   
  
"GOD DAMIT LEGOLAS! can't you keep her on a lease or somthing?"  
  
mary sue pouted "fine mr grumpy puss! we'll see the elves with out   
you! come on leggy poo!"  
  
and with that mary sue and legolas skipped ahead of the rest of   
the fellowship. the rest of the fellowship looked on in silence   
dsigusted.  
  
"so what do we do now?" asked boromir breaking the awkward tension.  
  
"i guess we continue on to loth lorien, galadiral's gotta give us   
stuff and you still have to die"  
  
"WHAT?????"   
  
aragorn tried not to laugh with the rest of the fellowship.  
  
"umm nothing never mind so yes ON WARD!"  
  
... they magically apear in loth lorien! ...  
  
FELLOWSHIP: pretty  
  
they were greated by celeborn and galadrial.   
  
"hello there! i'm celeborn i wish to speak with gandalf is he   
around?"   
  
"he has fallen into shadow" came the all to scary voice of   
galadrial.  
  
"umm no i didn't! see right here!" gandalf jumped up and down   
trying to get attention.  
  
"what? um are you sure?"  
  
"yup"  
  
"well... that wasn't in the story" galadrial was now very confused.  
  
when suddenly mary sue jumped infront of the group and screamed.   
"HIYA!!"   
  
a small voice came from the back of the room tree thing  
  
"god damit legolas what did i tell you about her??"   
  
----------  
  
see that was a sucky chapter!   



	11. The Bird Bath of Galadriel

The Adventures of Mary-Sue etc etc etc  
By Cassie (Stankannica) and Kristen (Stensen)  
  
This would be.. chapter 11. XD And it sucks a lot of ass.  
--------------------------  
  
Galadriel peered at Mary-Sue in her confusion, then turned to the fellowship. "She's the reason Gandy didn't "fall into shadow", correct?" she said irritably.  
"That's about the size of it," said Aragorn, who suddenly clung to Galadriel screaming "MAKE HER STOP!!!!", for Mary-Sue was once again touching Aragorn in his "special areas". Legolas, being the airhead he is in this 'fic, just stared around Lothlorien. Gimli looked crest fallen.  
  
Galadriel sighed and snapped her fingers at the elves who were singing a song about the "dead" Gandalf.. who.. wasn't dead. "False alarm, people, he didn't shuffle off this mortal coil yet!", she said, and it was replied with a resounding "Dammit, we practiced for nothing!".  
  
So they did stuff in Lothlorien and it was fun. If you think seeing elven women turn green and scarey when hobbits use her bird bath -  
  
Galadriel: MIRROR!!!! ::hiss::  
  
- Yes, mirror, as a sink. It wasn't the offering of the ring that made her all scarey, it was that. Damn hobbits and their dirtyness.  
  
--------------  
  
This was particularly painful to write. XD 


	12. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!! And take this crap...

Adventures of Mary-Sue, etc etc etc by Cassie and Kristen. XD  
Kristen wrote this one. TEE HEE.  
---------------------  
  
and so the fellowship piddled(hehe) around galadriel's for a while   
until they drove her slowly insane.   
  
Galadriel: THATS IT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE ALL OF YOU OUT OF MY   
HOUSE!!! here take this crap with you.   
  
and with that galadriel bestoeded upon the fellowship gifts far   
finer then those from the hands of mortal men.   
  
"PRESEANTS!!!!!!" came the voice of... Mary Sue!! "i love   
presents!!! its just like christmas... do you have christmas here?"  
  
the fellowship were now confused  
  
"christmas?? whats a christmas you speak of" asked frodo  
  
"does it come in pints???" asked pippin. merry sighed and smacked   
pippin on the back of the head   
  
and off they went in there elven canoes! 


End file.
